My summer studies and reflection have centered around the
elements of American culture that prop up an unhealthy lifestyle and belief
system. I’ve long believed that the COVID shutdowns did not cause most of the
ills in our society. Rather, they exposed the other long-festering infections
that have poisoned our beliefs, our habits, and even the way we see and
interact with each other. I’ve been juxtaposing the works of Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun with The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown to define these
cultural elements and the shifts in our hearts and habits that can allow us to
break free of them. I also turned to a source I don’t often consult: my Bible.
Specifically, I found great affirmation and synergy in the Book of Ephesians
from the New Living Translation, published as the Life Application Study
Bible by Tyndale House Foundation. (Yup – I crack it open so rarely that I
felt it smart to lean on the extra footnotes and study guides. My wife – who is
unquestionably the lead theologian in our home – also shared a great discussionfrom The Bible Project that lended very helpful context.)
The point is that all these sources – Jones and Okun, Brown,
and Ephesians – are divinely aligned. Or at least, they have collectively
helped me a great deal, illuminating where and why we stumble and struggle to
build and maintain the kind of community that frees us, nurtures us, grows us,
and supports us in our unique authenticity.
The problems really start and stem from a paradigm that
dictates, in our culture, an objective ideal that everyone should strive to
embody. And everyone is assessed (and, more often than not, judged) based on
this objective ideal – you’re either there or you’re not. Most alarmingly, we
find many places in our culture where it’s OK to erase people that impede your
progress or who don’t live up to this ideal image. I call this the Mono-Binary:
“There are only winners and losers: which one are you?”
The Apostle Paul begins Ephesians by highlighting how the
arrival of Jesus dismantled a prevalent binary of the times – the superiority
that many churches believed Jews held over Gentiles (and the term “Gentile”
basically meant “everyone else who is not a Jew.”)
For Christ himself has
brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his
own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us.
He did this by ending the system of law with its
commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by
creating in himself one new people from the two groups. (Ephesians 2:14-15)
Jesus is Anti-Binary.
He challenges us to move away from
earthly, human-created divisions and unify with each other. In another
translation, Paul captures the sin as being “puffed up in being a follower of
one of us [spiritual leaders] over the other.” (1 Corinthians 4:6 – New
International Version) I love this
image; it captures our current state quite well, with so many leaders and public
figures puffed up like birds in heat, winning our favor only by demeaning and
dismissing the people they find objectionable. Okun calls out the destructive
nature of a culture that “Reduces the complexity of life and the nuance of our
relationships with each other and all living things into either/or, yes or no,
right or wrong.” We wouldn’t have a reason to “puff ourselves up” over anyone
if we abandoned the notion that there is only “one right way.” Along with
poisoning the way we relate to each other, applying the same principle to
ourselves feeds our toxic perfectionism. We invest so much in trying to reach
this ephemeral, objective, and singular notion of what it means to be “good.”
Brown lays out just how harmful this is:
Research shows that
perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression,
anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis….Perfectionism is self-destructive
simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable
goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be
perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control
perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying. (Gifts 76-77)
We worship the idol of ideal. We look down on others who
don’t measure up, and we look just as harshly upon ourselves.
Compassion paves the path away from the MonoBinary. Since we
are all sloppy mixtures of strength and struggle, we can and should honor both
in our relationships and, first and foremost, in ourselves. If we embrace our
own imperfections as human features, not flaws, that compassion empowers us to
connect more fully and authentically with others. We don’t weaponize compassion
as a gentler way to condescend to those who don’t fit our “good person”
framework – that’s just another way to hold up the MonoBinary. The shift is to prioritize
making authentic connections with others. Seek to move forward by finding the
folks who can plug their knowledge into our questions, who can coach us through
our clumsiness, and whose own anxieties can be tempered by our genuine compassion
and empathy. The paradigm that Jesus offers is not a global hegemony; it is a
web of love that bonds and builds everyone together.
Remember that, at the start of Ephesians, Jesus creates our
universal unity by dismantling “the system of law with its commandments and
regulations.” The dogmas, the doctrines, the rhetoric, the cause, the culture
that tries to corral love into one frame, one diagram for how humans are
supposed to connect – this is where so many fall into the MonoBinary trap.
These folks are not prophets; they’re just puffed up. The Holy Goal is to
embrace and connect with each other, and when needed, support each other
authentically.
Always be humble and
gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults
because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the
Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace….[Christ] makes the whole body
fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the
other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of
love. (Ephesians 4:2-3, 16)
You can’t “love the sinner but hate the sin” if you’re
criticizing the way somebody gives love to another human. Love is love is love
is divine is divine is divine. If we can summon the courage to connect to
others beyond our circle and extend our compassion into the areas that we think are imperfections, our hearts will
be open to reconsider what we perceive. Those alleged imperfections may well be
mirages concocted by a diabolical, short-sighted view of who we should be.
